Inverted Crunch Time: God knows what’s the best for me

“I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.” – Christopher Isherwood, A Single Man

How did I end up working at wee hours? Sleeping at sun’s peak and hustling while everybody’s snoring.

Almost 3 years now since I gave my sweetest “I do” in our sometimes-sanctuary-sometimes-hell we called “The Newsroom”. At first everything was on its right place but then I needed “raket” for living. And my desire to be a news writer drove me stronger that lead me to make the “I-dunno-if-its-the-right decision”. I became an ingest staff at midnight, researcher by morning and writer-producer in the afternoon.  I bid my farewell to my darling sleep and rest, to commitments and social life. And the opportunity to see new faces too.

It was overwhelming, felt like I was drowning at my own fault.

That thin space between life and work grew abyss.

O, those days.

Days of restlessness.

Days of longing for a friend.

Days of keeping my sanity.

Days I wanted to stop.

Its just then when I came back to my senses and realized the massive change it brought to my life.  From fast to low metabolism, to overeating that made me gained weight, to unavoidable grumpiness, and then to more unhealthy  yet satisfying caffeine intake. And oh, it brought break outs too. Gross I know.

But now that I look back,  those scattered puzzle pieces slowly forming into a bigger picture. My insecurities, failures and issues contributed a lot on what I am now. On how I see the world and how I respond to it. And I believe, that’s how God works. He taught me how to be patient at times I wanted to stop believing in His promises. He taught me to rejoice on my mourning. He kept on cheering me up to redeem myself when I lost the fight.

I am not a perfect daughter, sister, friend, colleague and a follower, I could commit sin every single day but that’s how dear we are to our loving Father. He forgives tirelessly. Often times, we failed to recall the covenant we made to Him. But, God did not and will never be. He’ll always be there to caress us when we need comfort, to realign us when we lose the path, and give us unceasing grace that we even don’t deserve.

My God has been persistent in reminding me that I’m not a mediocre coffee that everyone sees but a first-rate and has value. Not indifferent but designed to be excellent.

 

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